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-   -   Thanks for the emails---- (http://mybargainbuddy.com/forums/showthread.php?t=96420)

curious74432 07-14-2010 04:29 PM

Thanks for the emails----
 
Just wanted to say thank you to all
> As we progress into the year 2011, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally weird now and have little chance of recovery.
>
> I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
>
> I canít use the remote in a hotel room because I donít know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
>
> I canít sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
>
> I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking oneís nose.
>
> Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
>
> I canít touch any womanís purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
>
> I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
>
> ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason
>
> I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.
>
> I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
>
> I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresaís Novena has granted my every wish.
>
> I canít use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
>
> THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within 5 minutes.
>
> BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
>
> I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesnít crawl in my back seat when Iím filling up.
>
> I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ĎUnder Godí on their cans.
>
> I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
>
> AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I canít boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.
>
> I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
>
> I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
>
> I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise.
>
> And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .
>
> I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.
>
> THANKS TO YOU I canít use anyoneís toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
>
> AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I canít ever pick up a .25 cent coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
>
> I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.
>
> I canít do any gardening because Iím afraid Iíll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
>
> If you donít send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighborís ex-mother-in-lawís second husbandís cousinís best friendís beautician . . .
>
> Oh, by the way.....
>
> A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
>
> Donít bother taking it off now, itís too late. (Love this one-got me!)
>
> P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.


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