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  #1  
Old 11-01-2008, 02:26 PM
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Talking PUBLIC BATHROOMS written by a woman

PUBLIC BATHROOMS:


When you have to visit a public bathroom, you
usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take
your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the
stall doors. Every stall is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly
knocking down the woman leaving the stall.
You get in to find the door won't latch. It
doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet
your pants! The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented
by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang
your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't -
so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom
would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank
down your pants, and assume ' The Stance.'

In this position your aging, toneless thigh
muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you
certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper
on it, so you hold 'The Stance.'

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you
reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper
dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice
saying, 'Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would
have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!' Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your
nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh
yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up
trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would
have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's
still smaller than your thumbnail .... ;

Someone pushes your door open because the latch
doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around
your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple
backward against the tank of the toilet. 'Occupied!' you scream,
as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny,
crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing
altogether, and slide down directly onto theTOILET SEAT. It is
wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well tha t it's too
late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable
germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid
down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had
taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly
appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom
never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, 'You
just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.' ;

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of
th e toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream
of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that
sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down
your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks
everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty
toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the
spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try
to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then
slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the faucets
with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and
a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely to them.
A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of
toilet paper trailing from your shoe. ( Where was that when you
NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the
woman's hand and tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need
this.'

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since
entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks,
'What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around
your neck?'

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal
with a public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It
finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It
also answers their other commonly asked questions about why
women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can
hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under
the door!

This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else
could describe it so accurately!

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Old 11-01-2008, 02:59 PM
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Old 11-02-2008, 01:49 PM
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Amen!!!!!!!
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Old 11-02-2008, 05:33 PM
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How true!
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Old 11-02-2008, 05:36 PM
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Way it usally is
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Old 11-14-2008, 04:12 PM
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Thanks for this!
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Old 11-28-2008, 11:01 AM
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i love this one!
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Old 12-03-2008, 03:43 PM
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Too true!
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