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Old 03-29-2010, 07:08 PM
purplesilk's Avatar
purplesilk purplesilk is offline
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Default Waxing is not your friend

WARNING: You may pee your pants reading this. (Don't say you weren't warned!)

> All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,
> painless removal - The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair... and now... the
> wax.
>
> My night began as any other normal weeknight.
> Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would
> ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:
> "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet."
> So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.
>
> It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just
> rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart
> and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right
> off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I
> am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
>
> So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck
> together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out
> the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!)
>
> I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It
> works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad.
> I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!
> I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin
> extraordinaire.
>
> With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak
> back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop
> my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I
> apply the one strip across the right side of my
> bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to
> the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and
> brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
>
> I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!
>
>
> Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the
> strip. CRAP!!!
>
>
> Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted.!? I think
> I may pass out... must stay conscious... Do I hear crashing drums???
>
> Breathe, breathe... OK, back to normal.
>
> I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so
> much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the
> glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!
>
>
> There's no hair on it! Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
>
> Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the
> hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch.
>
>
> I am touching wax.
>
> CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now
> covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...
> remember my foot is still propped up
> on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.
>
> DANG!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door.
>
> Hoo-Hoo?? sealed shut!
>
> Butt?? Sealed shut!
>
> I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think
> to myself, "Please don't let me get the urge to poop.
> My head may pop off!"
>
>
> What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!!
>
> I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the
> wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off,
> right???
>
>
>
> WRONG!!!!!!!
>
> I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture
> prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
>
>
> Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together is
> having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub... in
> scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.
>
> So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied
> myself to the porcelain!!
>
> God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put
> in the bathroom!!!!!
>
>
> I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret
> of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter -
> "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"
>
>
> There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but
> she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where
> the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?"
>
> She's laughing out loud by now... I can hear her. I give her the rundown and
> she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
>
>
> YEAH!!!!! Right!!
> I should be the joke of someone else's night.
>
> While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with
> a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in
> hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then
> dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
>
> By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm
> pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this
> event.
>
> My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....
> the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
>
>
> What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY
> GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of
> my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. IT WORKS!! It works!!
>
>
> I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
>
> I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief
> and despair.... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!
>
> So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could
> have amputated my own leg at this point.
>
> Next week I'm going to try hair color......
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  #2  
Old 03-30-2010, 07:14 AM
curious74432 curious74432 is offline
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Good one!!!
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  #3  
Old 03-30-2010, 10:14 PM
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