In just under 12 hours it's been a whole week since Jake died.
I wanted to go to the grave yesterday but Chad wasn't up to it. We're going when they open in about an hour and a half.
It still doesn't seem real. I still wonder how long Jake will sleep when I go to sleep and I still think about washing bottles before bed. I still look in his bassinet to see if he's there.
It doesn't help that Chad's way of dealing with this is different than mine. He doesn't like his things being up and if he gets sad he doesn't want to go to the grave. I like all of his things there- it lets me be in denial. If all of his things are there, maybe he really is coming home, y'know? When I get sad I want to go to the grave and lay with my baby.
I do love all your guys' sweet comments so thank you for that. Double thank you for the people who've asked for my address to send a card. In the hospital, when we decided to take him off life support, they gave us this box that had a spot for some of his hair, a card from the nurses, a necklace/bracelet combo for me and the baby, and whatever else. That's where I put his hospital bracelets and his CD I stole that has his xrays from before we got life flighted (which the hospital we got sent to didn't even look at because they had an ultrasound machine and an xray machine set up in his room before we even arrived). Anyway, that box is where I've been putting all the cards and stuff too. It's nice to be able to take it out and have everything there.
Thank you guys for all the support. You've made the worst time of my life a little more tolerable.