A satire on a telemarketer call.
"Hello, my name is ( ) with Trusty Security Systems.
May I speak with the male or female head of household?
"We provide individuals and businesses with a nationally oriented security protection and provision plan.
"Do you or any members of the household work for a bank or a credit card company?
"You work for a bank? Could you provide us with the name?
"Do you work in any capacity of security there? By that I mean Do you have access to security devices, departments, vaults or security areas?
"Do you as an employee of the bank have numbers or parts of numbers to combinations?
"What hours do you work there? "What route to you take to your place of employment? (refused)
How many members are in your household?
Are there times when all of them are gone?
How many members of household are under 18?....(silence)...."This is only for demographic purposes....." Do they easily talk to strangers? Could you please spell their first names?
What time frame usually occurs when the house is left vacant?
Could I have the correct street address? City? State?
".....Well, we have representatives in many localities throughout the country that can provide a house call in the event it is convenient....."
Do you provide security protection in the way of alarms on your home? What type? How many doors and/or windows? Do you have smoke detectors? (smokescreen question)...Motion detectors? Magnetic switches? What brand of alarm system do you have? Are you connected to the local police by phone lines?
"Do you or any members of the family have any credit or debit cards? Which ones do you have?
Do you carry them with you?
What is the current balance of each one? May we please have
1-The account number, and
2-Pin number(s)? (pause....long silence)
"....Well, we want to provide a service to you in the way of security and protection. In the event you....
a-misplace, b-lose or c-forget your pin number(s). We want to be available as a public service to you, and a data bank resource center.
"It is a brilliant concept the owner of our company developed......"
"His name? We are not in a position to give out that information for obvious reasons."
"Available? No he isn't available. In fact he took an extended vacation....well, he was obligated to take an extended vacation....well, the plans were for him to spend it on an island, however the island is now uninhabited. (Alcatraz)
You may have even heard of him on the evening news - there was quite a review about his aspirations"
...be back?" Around 50 years.
"However we provide the utmost in protection, security and reliability.
All information is strictly confidential. Yes that's right....strictly confidential.....No not necessarily....it means the information we RECEIVE is strictly confidential...."
"Well, yes....our security is always constantly being improved upon. In fact, we just tied up another "loose end" recently. We are constantly improving on our screening process about employees and sensitive data accessibility.
"In any case....may we please.....hello?.....hello?.........(click)