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Old 03-09-2007, 11:34 AM
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Talking Irish Jokes

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had
an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking
up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking
place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up
me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."
-----------------------------------

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man
he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to
heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when
you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a
group together to go right now."

---------------------------------------------------------
Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street
crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay,
pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went
over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
---------------------------------------------------

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read
in the obituary column that he had died.

He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"
-------------------------------------------

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for
speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the
priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of
the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

------------------------------------------------

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a
stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."
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Old 03-09-2007, 03:52 PM
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Old 03-09-2007, 04:08 PM
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These are great!
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Old 03-09-2007, 04:55 PM
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good ones pepper
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Old 03-09-2007, 06:14 PM
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Those were really good!
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Old 03-09-2007, 09:37 PM
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Thanks Pepper.
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Old 03-10-2007, 02:47 AM
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Old 03-10-2007, 06:43 AM
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You sure find some good ones!!
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Old 03-12-2007, 08:23 AM
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Old 03-17-2008, 11:22 AM
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Default How 'bout Some Irish Jokes!!

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when

Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops

dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other

five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone got's to

tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to

be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.

Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs.

Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come

home."

"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

************************************************** *********

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run

over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is

cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must

have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible

lickin' he gave me with it."


"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have

something in your hand?"

That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty

it was; but useless in a fight."

************************************************** **********

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the

city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya

been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink

this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms

across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of

your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "for a minute there, I thought I'd

gone deaf."

************************************************** ********

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan

arrives at her door.

"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my

husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident

down at the Guinness brewery"

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout, and

drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim, did he at least go

quickly?"

"Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

************************************************** ************

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service,

and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away

last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have

any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...' "


************************************************** ************

AND THE BEST FOR LAST


A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth,

sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk

continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side

either."
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