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  #1  
Old 05-31-2010, 09:17 AM
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My sister just called. My BIL, who has been in hospice care for about 6 months, passed away this morning. He had lung cancer which apparently arose from something common to Phoenix-dwellers, "Valley Fever." At any rate, they were at their cabin in Payson when it happened. Sis says she is going to have him cremated.

I asked her when she wanted us to be there and she said she didn't. That there was nothing to do. I am unfamiliar with the rituals involved in cremation, so I dunno what there is to do. She said at first he told her he wanted to be buried in "Mother Oak," a tree in the back yard of their cabin under which he enjoyed sitting, but he later decided he was too claustrophobic to be "holed up" in a tree. She said she had thought about turning him into a "diamond," but he'd have too many brown spots (if ya know what I mean). . .she's trying to maintain her strength and sense of humor.

I am at a bit of a loss as to what to do. I am at a critical point in the accounting in my new job (a third of the way through paying for lease vehicles for April. . .they may jerk the cars if I don't finish the job), I don't know whether to just show up. . .(dunno how to get to Payson from Phoenix - it's at least a 2 hr drive north of Phoenix, no commercial flights into there). . .I dunno whether to just send flowers (where would they go - the cabin, the city, the Oak). . .dunno if there will be a viewing or a wake or what!!

Does anyone have experience with cremations or the routines associated therewith? Suggestions appreciated. THank you.
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Old 05-31-2010, 10:14 AM
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Many times there is a ceremony of sorts where friends and family meet and perhaps share stories of the deceased. There is usually food and drinks after and many view this as closure.
This may take place right after the death or several months later.

I would send a thinking of you/sympathy card and a charitible contribution in his name to the American Cancer Society.

As always be there to listen and console her.

Thinking of you Patti and I am sorry for the loss of your brother in law
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Old 05-31-2010, 11:36 AM
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I'm so sorry to hear about your BIL's passing.

I think your sister probably needs a few days to decompress and handle her feelings,
so it wouldn't hurt to wait a bit to think about going out there.
If she knows about your job situation, she would understand that you can't do anything just yet.
After all, if there were to be a funeral, those take a few days to arrange, and even
a memorial service takes time to set up.

It sounds like you are pretty close with your sister. I think you'll be discussing things with her again soon.

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Old 05-31-2010, 01:40 PM
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Maybe she would like to take a trip later, after everything has settled down. She will have so much to do to get the estate settled and all. There are usually so many people around immediately after a death. After a few weeks or maybe a month, everyone else goes back to their lives and you are left with your grief. I would send her a card and flowers or chocolate or whatever you know soothes her soul and suggest that the two of you take a roadtrip, cruise, etc at a later date.

I know that this was expected, but it certainly doesn't make it any easier.
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Old 05-31-2010, 03:24 PM
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God bless you wonderful, wonderful ladies. You are a wonderful grounding force, which I needed today. I haven't told her and forgot to mention here that the new job scheduled me for a class which had to be postponed to this week because the original date conflicted with the recent back procedure. I have a follow up for that procedure this week too. In addition, I thought I was saving time by going to the mobil mammogram that came by work, but they found some kind of anomaly and wanted me to make an appointment which, in my very grave concern, I ALSO made for this week. I am shaken and shaking and feel selfish for having concerns other than for my sister this week. I also looked into the cost of airline tickets. . .almost $2k round trip. . .having loaned my eldest half that much a month ago, the spur-of-the-moment-fund is kinda depleted.

I will send flowers AND chocolates and a donation to lung cancer (too distracted right now. . .didja know there are MANY lung cancer associations to which one can donate?) At any rate. . .you've all helped me decide to wait a bit until she can decide what she wants to do (she wasn't even sure what she was going to do with the ashes) and perhaps she and her daughter can use this time together to decide that. My very deep appreciate to each of you for your suggestions and your thoughts.
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Old 05-31-2010, 05:11 PM
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I'm sorry for ALL that you are going through right now Patti. Will pray that God be with you and your family at this time.
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Old 05-31-2010, 06:26 PM
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I too am so sorry for the loss of your BIL. I know your sister will understand completely if you tell her the same way you told us. ( plus the fact that she said their was nothing to do). I'll be keeping you in my prayers for a clean bill of health on that there mammogram and your back.
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